Crazy Surprise
by preposterousnotion
Summary: Puck wants to make Rachel's birthday special. Thankfully, the rest of the glee club are there to help him. But it's not always straight forward... Please review!


Crazy Surprise

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters of glee or batman or Jackie Chan.

AN: This fic follows on from 'Crazy times in the Kitchen' with a time jump of about a week or so.

Thank you everyone for the reviews and adding my other Puckleberry one-shots as favourites. I wouldn't be able to write if it wasn't for you guys!

Bree.

* * *

Mr Schue was the first one to give him the heads up.

They were in Glee and it was getting pretty difficult to concentrate on what he was waffling on about cos Rachel was sitting right next to him and had her hand resting on his thigh and was totally oblivious to how squirmy he was whenever she moved her hand slightly or brushed her arm against his.

His attention was caught when Schue started talking to Rachel.

"Rachel, as it's your birthday soon, why don't you choose the assignment for this week". Will smiled (okay he was quite impressed with himself, pretty smart way of getting out of having to think of something inspirational).

Puck's eyes widened. Fuck. When the fuck was her birthday? Fuck. He supposed part of being her boyfriend was doing something special for her birthday. Crap. Bugger.

He glanced desperately around at Mike. Mike just laughed silently at the look of panic on his face. Turd. He just volunteered himself to help him with that.

Why couldn't he have studied that little laminated calendar she'd given him more closely? (To be fair he had looked at it- even if it was only to memorise her time of the month).

He didn't hear what she suggested as the assignment. He was too busy trying not to look like he was panicking. He ended up with a contorted facial expression which was more like he was constipated.

He could hear Mike actually laughing out loud now. Well, he was trying to suppress his laughter with coughs but now he was actually choking. Serves him right. Dick. T'isn't funny, he can't help the fact that his face is very expressive.

"Are you alright Noah?" Rachel whispered, her face concerned.

He tried to smile reassuringly. What resulted from this was the impression that he had just passed wind.

She nodded, unsure. She had told him sex after so much pizza was a bad idea.

* * *

After glee, he quickly told Rachel he'd meet her at his truck and locked the door as soon as she left.

"Right, everyone at my house at 4.30. Rach's got dance. Be there." (Okay so he'd practically memorised that timetable- whatever, have you seen his guns).

He narrowed his eyes and glared round at everyone, as though daring them to say they couldn't come.

Finn opened his mouth to speak but Quinn elbowed him in the ribs and he quickly shut it again. Ha. Looks like they made up. Good luck Finn.

Mike patted him on the back. "Don't worry dude. It'll be fine."

Puck smirked. Guy was just trying not to get punched.

"S'not gunna be fine." Puck said and Mike looked at Matt nervously. "S'gunna be fucking epic. S'gunna be the best birthday she's ever had."

Mike smiled with relief.

* * *

"So when's her birthday?" Puck asked, flopping down on the couch next to Matt.

"Thursday", Matt replied. "And sex is possible from tomorrow."

Puck glared daggers at him and grabbed the timetable from his hand. "I know."

"So what d'ya wanna do for her birthday?" Matt asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Travel round the world on the back of an elephant", he answered confidently. "T'would be epic."

"I think that's a bit… far-fetched", Mercedes offered.

Puck glowered at her. "It's badass."

"P'raps we can get a list of ideas from everybody", Artie suggested, rolling into the conversation with a bag of cheetos.

The guy had cheetos. His ideas counted. "'Kay"

Turned out Kurt had a little pink notebook and pencil in his… whatever you called that what he was wearing. Something to do with writing down inspiration for fashion. Or whatever.

"Well I personally think you should take her to New York Fashion Parade." Kurt said, scribbling this down in his notebook. "And you should take me too so that I can explain properly every item on the catwalk, its design and origins, and the abridged history of the designer."

Puck looked terrified. Mike swooped in and saved him. Kinda like batman. Wow, that would be cool.

"I don't think Rachel wants to go anywhere." Mike said. "I think its best if we keep ideas local."

But the whole elephant thing was still on the table. Nobody had given him a good enough reason why they couldn't do that.

"Why don't you take her to dinner?" Quinn suggested, and everyone nodded.

"Because there aren't any elephants there", he snorted. Obviously.

Kurt rolled his eyes and wrote Quinn's suggestion down with an arrow next to it.

"You could take her to a basketball game", Finn said.

Well, those elephant shaped balloons didn't really count.

"I think you should cook her dinner", Tina said. "Girls love that." He didn't imagine it- Artie definitely blushed.

Okay so what he had so far was they were travelling around on an elephant and then he would cook her dinner. And then they would have sex (but that went without saying).

It was still missing something.

"Go old school." Matt suggested, "Take her to the drive-in."

Hmmm. Do they allow elephants?

"Or the normal cinema?", Artie tagged on.

No, they definitely didn't allow elephants.

"Buy her some jewellery", Mercedes offered, "Girls like jewellery." He was learning a lot about girls today.

"Buy her gum." Okay, so he got the impression that Santana still didn't totally love Rachel.

"Take her dancing", Mike grinned, moving his upper body like some plastic snake. "Pop and Lock!"

Brittany looked puzzled. "Isn't that a type of lunch box? We put salad in them for my aunt's surprise birthday party."

Everyone looked at her.

"That's brilliant." Artie said. "What a brilliant idea."

"I know!" Brittany said brightly. "The lettuce didn't go soggy."

* * *

The plans went full steam ahead for Rachel's surprise birthday party.

Quinn and Finn were making the cake (in the shape of an elephant, of course).

Matt was in charge of food, cos his sister worked for some catering thingy, he had decided to go old school with jelly and ice-cream.

Mike was in charge of music.

Tina and Artie were in charge of decorations.

Kurt was in charge of styling everybody, and especially finding a dress for Rachel and a suit for Puck (though Puck didn't know this part yet, he had assumed he would turn up in jeans).

Santana had been put in charge of drinks but Mercedes pointed out this probably wasn't the best idea (they were holding the party in the glee room) and so she swapped and Santana was instead given the job of persuading Mr Schue to let them use the glee room (watch out Mr Schue).

Brittany wasn't in charge of anything. It was safer that way.

* * *

He trailed wet kisses along her collar bone down to the valley of her breasts, where he flicked out his tongue and licked at the sensitive skin there. She gasped and her back arched of the bed and her hand scrabbling in the drawer beside his bed became more frantic.

She finally grabbed a foil packet and, anticipation growing he nipped lightly at her nipple with his teeth. She bucked her hips involuntarily and dropped the condom beside the bed. Slippery little bugger.

He thoughtfully bent his knees slightly so that she could twist round and fetch it. She leaned over the edge of the bed, her head dangling close to the floor.

"Noah?"

"Yuh".

He stroked the back of his hand up the middle of her back lightly, distracted.

Then he remembered. Shit. Fuck. Bugger.

"Why are there lots of plastic cups under your bed?"

Why had they had to come to his house? It was so much easier to go to hers, her dads were always away. He had totally forgotten about those cups. He was glad he hadn't chosen the ones that said 'happy birthday' all over them. But he still couldn't think of a good excuse… It was difficult to think straight with his naked girlfriend all warm and sexy in his bed next to him.

She had turned to look at him now, her face showing she was expecting an answer. Erm… he looked around the room for inspiration. His eyes fell upon a weird lumpy shape of glue and cereal boxes on his desk. His sister had made it for him. Apparently it was a giraffe. He was pretty sure it wasn't. But whatever.

Yes! He was a fucking genius. "S'for an art project. F'ma sister."

She shrugged and shimmied back underneath him. Blood shot back down south.

* * *

He was quite proud of his plastic cup caterpillar. Had to use about 3 rolls of tape. Twas fucking brilliant. He should totally be an artist.

* * *

Surely this was more trouble than it was worth. The next close shave came when he was in the supermarket with Tina. Apparently she needed his guidance as to what balloons to buy. He knew shit about what type of balloons to get. He hadn't even known there was more than one type. Apparently there was.

And now there were too many to choose from. He couldn't decide between these totally badass pink heart shaped ones and ones that were all different colours and the picture on the packet looked like they were giant blown up condoms. Twas fucking hilarious.

Maybe he could get some of both.

"Noah?"

He hastily threw down the packets in his hands and pretended to be interested in whatever was on the next shelf. Fuck. It had to be nappies and ladies stuff.

Rachel raised her eyebrow at him. She hadn't yet noticed Tina standing behind him.

He decided to give her the chance to escape (well any excuse for PDA was good with him).

He gave her his biggest, sweetest smile. The one that turned her to mush. He saw her eyes go all dreamy. He closed the space between them and slid his hands to rest on her hips. She smiled back up at him, biting her lip and he knew she did that on purpose. He took it between his teeth and suckled it gently. She leaned against him, her hands up his chest and round his neck.

He kissed her. Okay yeah he totally forgot they were standing in the middle of the supermarket aisle. You couldn't blame him, her mouth was insane. He was actually about to back her against the tampons shelf when this little old lady elbowed him in the back and swung at him with her handbag.

Fuck. Assault! Yup; that was going to bruise. She must be in disguise. Yeah. That was it. She was Jackie Chan in disguise. Puck was a badass stud, but he didn't feel so bad if he felt intimidated by Jackie Chan in disguise.

"Stop molesting this poor young lady", Jackie Chan said, in a surprisingly high wavering voice. "I have a rape alarm!"

Ewww. There was a disturbing image.

"It's okay", Rachel reassured her with a kindly smile. "He's my boyfriend. I enjoyed it."

Jackie Chan gave her a very shocked look and hastily shuffled away, mumbling about how in her day, you couldn't even show your knees in public.

By now Tina had had plenty of opportunity to run off. But she was still there, tears of laughter in her eyes, leaning unsteadily against the pillar.

Puck scowled at her.

"Hi Tina! How funny that we are all three shopping in the same supermarket at the same time!"

Tina nodded fervently. "It must be 'cos its a full moon." She said wisely.

"I was just about to help her get some of these off the shelf", Puck explained airily, grabbing at a random packet.

Tina giggled nervously. Puck was confused by Rachel's look of sympathy and concern. He didn't know he was holding a packet of panty-liners for women with lack of bladder control (though he also wouldn't know what they were if they hit him in the face).

He dropped the packet into Tina's basket and her face turned to that of horror and embarrassment. What? That was a totally brilliant excuse. Fool proof.

As he left with Rachel he muttered out the side of his mouth at Tina "Get some of both types".

Rachel did catch that. She was completely flummoxed.

* * *

It was the day of the party. The day before Rachel's birthday. Tina, Artie and Santana were in the choir room setting up. Everything was going according to Mercedes and Kurt's meticulous plan (what? They had offered to plan stuff. He much preferred the job of keeping Rachel distracted).

He was lingering at his locker after football. Rachel had dance and for all she knew, they were having an extra glee practise after this. Kurt had thrust a cardboard bag at her and said it was a costume idea he had and she must wear it to glee practise so they could see what it looked like.

He removed the bag Kurt had presented him with out of his locker, holding it at arms length suspiciously. If it had even the smell of sequins on it- he wasn't going anywhere near it.

His phone went off.

"Yo Chang."

"Puck. God. Car. Dance instructor."

"Breathe Chang. What the fuck are you trying to tell me?"

He heard Mike take several shaky deep breaths. "Rachel's dance instructor. I just knocked her off her bike. The paramedic said she's broken her leg. She rang the dance school and they can't have a stand in until next week."

Puck tried to follow this. "Okay."

"No it's not okay!" Mike screeched. "Rachel is going to meet you too early."

Fuck. He should have known it was all going too well. Damn Chang and his nervy swervy driving.

He ran down the corridor to the glee room.

"Fucking Chang just ran over Rachel's driving instructor." He said.

Kurt's eyes widened. "Oh my god! Is she okay?"

"Never mind that", Puck snapped, "Rachel will be here early. It's the end of the world".

Santana rolled her eyes. "Just take her backstage and make her scream", she said, bored. "I'm surprised you didn't think of that."

Yeah- why didn't he think of that. Must be all this stress of planning a party. This better not make him infertile. Nah, what was he talking about his boys were indestructible.

The idea of having sex with Rachel at school was pretty exciting (though it wouldn't be their first time- told you she was sexually crazy- and he totally respected that, regularly).

"Stop smiling like that." Santana said, clicking her fingers in front of his face. "You're creeping me out."

He turned to the door, ready to go and intercept her as soon as she walked into the building.

"Don't forget to change into your suit", Kurt reminded him. Whatever. If he did Kurt would owe him big time.

* * *

"Hey baby".

Fucking hell. She was wearing this skin tight leotard and tights. Why had he not seen her in this before? Fuck. He needed a drink. His throat was suddenly sandpaper. She had been in his line of vision for about 3 seconds and he was already aroused.

"Hey Noah! Are you early for the glee rehearsal too?"

Fuck. What glee rehearsal? Mr Schue better not have… oh yeah- that was the cover up.

"Yeah", he said. "I wanted to see you as soon as possible."

She pouted her lips. Good save.

"So.. . uh… You look really hot in all that latex".

He was supposed to be being smooth. He was a little miffed when she snorted with laughter.

"It's spandex, Noah", she said, recovering, "Latex is what condoms are made of."

His confused face was really cute. So she kissed him.

They were back to a topic he understood.

She pulled away, and smiled, a sparkle in her eyes that told him she had an idea.

"So… You know how when we've gone behind the stage before there have always been various members of the drama club in the way? Well… drama club isn't on today." She smiled again, sheepishly.

Hey, that was gunna be his line! Before she could possibly change her mind (though why would she?) he swept her up into his arms and was off down the corridor.

* * *

He backed her up against the wall, which was covered by a heavy black curtain. Well, he had thought it was a wall covered by a heavy black curtain, but it was in fact just a heavy black curtain. They kind of slow motion slid down the curtain to the floor, but neither of them really noticed because there were hands and lips all over the place and that was all they could think about.

He was so stupid to have ever been with any other random girl. Seriously. Rachel made him a one woman man. He never thought in a million years he would be a one woman man. But now when he looked at a girl, he would be comparing them to Rachel and in comparison none of them even came within a mile of her.

She hissed as his hot mouth descended down the low cut neckline of her leotard. And he moaned as her gentle hands travelled up his arched back, pushing up his football shirt. She pulled it off over his head, allowing him to take a few harsh breaths of the close air from around them.

Fuck she was hot. Fuck she made him hot. He resolved to talk to Mike 'bout those snogging snorkels. He needed someone to work on the designing process, he didn't plan on having much spare time in between making out with Rachel, and so he couldn't do it himself. S'all about delegating and shit.

He was struggling to find a way to pull off her leotard. It just kept pinging on his fingers and that was actually painful. She growled frustratedly, needing his hands on her bare skin.

She pushed him off her, and he rolled onto his back, his chest heaving, and watched her jump up athletically and peel off her leotard.

Fuck. She wasn't wearing a bra. Now she was just standing there in her tights. Fucking sexy as.

She smiled at his darkening eyes, and playfully twirled it round on her fingers before dropping it casually to the floor. Then she pulled off her tights.

Fuck. Now she was just standing there in a red thong.

She stepped over to him, swinging her hips. He took out her leg from under her and she came falling down on top of him. Somehow she even made that gracefully sexy.

He needed to be inside her when he came but if she kept looking so damn hot…

She was flustered now, he could tell because she kept making these adorable little noises in her throat. Okay he had just described something as adorable- what was all that about? He blamed the fact that her hands were straying down his sweat pants.

He pushed his hips up to enable her to pull his sweat pants down. He blew hot air onto her nipples, smiling as they hardened and she shivered with pleasure.

He kicked his sweat pants off, then, his hands on her hips, pulled her flush with his body and attacked her lips with his.

She was bracing her hands on his chest to give her some leverage and rolling her hips against him.

Fuckidy fuck.

He broke off from the kiss briefly to tell her, "Fuck Rach you're perfect."

She kissed him softly and murmured, "We're perfect."

Hell yes they were.

He moaned and slowly pushed her thong over her hips and down her legs as far as he could reach. He then brought his hands back up her smooth thighs, tucking his fingers between her legs, closer and closer to her wet warmth. Well, it was practically his, really.

She had a condom in her hand. He knew cos the packet was scraping against his chest as she ran her hands in lazy, caressing circles. She moved down his naked body. Fuck her skin felt so good against his.

She knelt between his legs and extracted the condom from its packet. His heart was about to beat out of his chest. Swear. As soon as he was protected he wanted to give her the best sexing she had ever had. Cos she fucking deserved no less.

Oh fuck. She had placed the condom just on the tip of his cock and leaned down and pushed it over his length with her lips. Then crawled up him again, an innocent smile on her face as though she hadn't just done something as fucking amazing as that.

And she hovered above him, positioning herself above his throbbing erection, and then just dropped onto him.

Fuck. Pretty sure he just blacked out for a second there. Good job he was a badass stud. He managed to get a goddamn awesome action thrusting off the floor. Which she loved. And it was fucking hot to watch her crazy everywhere on top of him in between burning kisses.

His movements soon became more erratic, and the noises of pleasure began to merge together into one long drawn out moan. And he bent her knees to give a different angle, which was fucking brilliant even if he said so himself. And they climaxed simultaneously, and he was loud, even louder than her and she collapsed onto him, clinging to his warm body.

He wanted to stay like that. But they had a party to get to.

She looked so good all mussed up and satisfied. So fucking good. He kissed her. She responded with such enthusiasm, her talented tongue tracing his swollen lips that he felt his cock begin to twitch inside her. Seriously, she must have some kind of magic powers. He could get a hard on if she just smiled at him. Crazy.

He rolled her off and just held her close for a while, her petite frame enclosed in a perfect fit by his larger form.

* * *

She went behind the curtain to change into the dress. She couldn't think straight with his sexy grin and worshipping gaze on her and had kept putting her head through the arm holes.

While she was gone, Puck pulled on the suit. There were no sequins so it was safe. He hoped he didn't have to give it back cos he didn't have any underwear with him.

He straightened up and adjusted the collar. It actually felt quite nice. It was a grey suit, he had a white shirt and a purple tie.

He was busy appraising the cut of the trousers (or whatever), and didn't notice Rachel sliding out from behind the curtain.

"Noah?" she smiled, impressed. "You look… very handsome."

He smirked, his heart smiling. Then turned to her and his mouth dropped open.

He had thought the leotard was hot. She was wearing this purple dress which she looked fucking gorgeous in he was sorely tempted to forget the party and stay in here with her all evening.

Okay so he owed Kurt big time. Big time.

She walked up to him and looped her hands around his neck.

"What do you think?" She asked, smiling.

He closed his mouth and gulped, then said, his voice raspy. "S'fucking gorgeous, babe. You are fucking gorgeous."

She kissed him delicately, then slipped her arm through his. "After glee, d'ya wanna come over to mine?" She asked, sweetly. "My dad's are away."

Thank fuck.

* * *

They walked to the glee room and Puck felt nervous. This had to be perfect. His girl deserved perfection. He opened the door for her and held his breath.

The entire Glee Club, including Mr Schue, jumped out from behind chairs and cupboards and shouted 'Surprise!'

Rachel squealed in delight, and looked round at Puck, who was standing tall beside her, a look of pride on his face.

She hugged him tightly and squealed thanks to everyone.

As she went round and talked to them all, Puck took a good look at the glee room. He chuckled slightly at the condom balloons (someone had drawn smiley faces on them in an attempt to make them look less like blown up condoms).

It looked pretty good.

She later told him it was her first surprise party ever. And she spent most of the night thanking him.

As long as she didn't thank the rest of the glee club in the same way, then he was fine with that.

* * *

Please Review :)


End file.
